Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
i dont have time for this
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
So sick of all these stupid rules