@hazelmotes1: I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of "Let It Go", using only 3 words.
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: The test results came back. PATIENT: Oh God DR DOG: The tumor is-- *sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
@shopkins776: Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
@DamienFahey: I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.