@hazelmotes1: I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
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@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed] Her: Tell me your fantasy. Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
@jonnysun: "fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u" - a goldfish :(