@hazelmotes1: I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
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@TheBoydP: God making Khaki God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down Angel: Nice! G: But it shows every pee drip A: Hilarious!
@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
@kevinseccia: I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
@Reverend_Scott: Elephant 911: What's ur em- Elephant: MOUSE Elephant 911: WHERE Elephant: FLOOR Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE [table breaking noises]