@hazelmotes1: I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
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@chopper4jk: If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
@SamGrittner: *job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."