@hazelmotes1: I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
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@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@DamnitJosh: "Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I'm not angry or covered in piss.
@rolldiggity: Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.