I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.