I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.