@2tickytacky: I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I'm throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn't invite any people.
@liveluvlaugh65: Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....... on a broomstick, we're flexible like that
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: omg someone's broken in! ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here [downstairs] FRIEND: Can't you just tell her you want to play baseball? ME: Keep your voice down
@RyanAndrewMitch: I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.