I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
man: wait
time: no
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Oops I deleted….
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: