I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
constantly working on myself.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
What the hell happened in there??
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.