@karenphotog: I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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@Shock_Monster: Why do Asian people never seem to age? I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
@david8hughes: [watches you eat my bday cake] "I've poisoned that." "Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?" [leans in & winks] "Poison."