I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem