I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
This was the best day of my life
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.