I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
whatcha thinkin bout
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.