@splashguts: I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
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@iheartgunts: A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
@david8hughes: [my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award] Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now Narrator: that's why he's the best
@AimeeHelene1: *spider falls on my desk* *pulls fire alarm* *stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date] girlfriend: *takes some of my fries* me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*