@splashguts: I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
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@Brentweets: Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can't keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
@julie2288: 90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you're OK with it.
@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
@gerryhallcomedy: Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.