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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)