@WhoCuppedMyCake: I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg...making me a MERMAID!
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@kelkulus: Until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don't tell me about your drinking problem.
@UniqueDude2: [reading book report] ME: Beyowulf is the story of a guy that turns into an wolf when he hears Beyoncé TEACHER: Wrong. ME: Well, I tried.
@evanR39: Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet? Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.