@Reverend_Scott: I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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@PanicRestroom: Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: "Who's that next to you?"
@Sickayduh: Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers* Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?
@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.