I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Reporter: *ports again*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
rise and shine we got egg
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
What a chick magnet..
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon