I just ran a .003048K
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
This is Sparta
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”