I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Happy birthday to all the women
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.