I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
This meeting could have been a cake
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.