@shutupmikeginn: I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I'm doing well and he's 17 which is very old for a dog
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@jbillinson: Biden: They don't really think I'd say this stuff, right? Obama: Come on Joe, you've said worse Biden: HE'S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE
@Glynner85: The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
@newportdaddy: Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting: *shaking hands* Michelle: Hi, I'm Michelle. Melania: Hi, I'm Michelle.
@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.