I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Oh deer
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Great Canadian literature.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.