*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Am I having a stroke?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017