The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.