I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again