@Iwriteforcats: Me: Screw you, Tuesday! Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

@RuinMyWeek: [God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say "when" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

@arresteddev: They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

@kissmefreedom: Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor's degree and a history of head injuries.

@Erma_H_Gersh: 9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"