@weinerdog4life: I just ran over a tree, a 5'2" blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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@iLikeCatShirts: Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
@david8hughes: *on deathbed* "Son u were *cough* ado-" "Dad? I was adopted?!" "A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don't know why we adopted u."
@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.