@RandomManik: Fool me Once - Shame on You. Fool me Twice- Shame on Me. Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?

@UncleDuke1969: Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill.

@samfromks: If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma'am... That's on you.

@stockejock: Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore