Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
You Might Also Like
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
That earthquake could have been an email.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.