“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.