“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I am having an out of money experience.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If you know, you know
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon