“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?