@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I'm staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.
@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
@XplodingUnicorn: Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.