@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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@Mr_Kapowski: McDonald’s Employee: Sir, your kids are not welcome at the Play Place Me: How dare you *one of my goats pops its head up from the ball pit chewing a child’s hat*
@TattleTSister: I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
@iLikeCatShirts: Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.