I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket