@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@KalvinMacleod: HUSBAND 911: what your emergency? ME: my wife hears everything HUSBAND 911: do I? ME: what? HUSBAND 911: what?
@njlitigator: Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens