I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything