Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.