@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@Jay1972Jay: Give a man a fish, he eats today. Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@tonygootana: 16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@biorhythmist: Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.