@JediGigi: "Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There's Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!" --dogs

@DrizzyTheType: Don't Drake and drive or you'll end up at your ex's house.

@thepunningman: Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@TragicAllyHere: Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf: Oh, it's Gandalf the White now. Bride: [fuming] Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

@Breadery: At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.