I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Well, that should do it
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer