I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You Might Also Like
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My time has come.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
courtroom exchange of the day
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My blood type is coffee.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.