@chrissyteigen: I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"
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@toriTBC: When a guy texts "your beautiful," reply with "my beautiful what?" then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
@davedittell: "anything new with you?" not really "any cool projects at work? nope "meeting with friends?" no "seeing anybody?" why are you doing this?
@DionneMcNutt: A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."
@loudmouth_usa: Me: Ma'am your pet is loud. Lady: That's my baby. Me: Ma'am your pet baby is loud