I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
good let them take over I have had enough
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong