I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.