Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.