One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.