I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.