I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
💁🏻♂️
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
this is the best day of my life
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]