I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS