I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.