I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My whole life was a lie.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Cause of death: Zumba
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I told my vodka about you.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it