I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court