I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.