I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so