I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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When someone trying to leave me
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Ferrari squats
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool