I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.