Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.