If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.