imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”