@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate
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@LackOfShame: Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions
@notalogin: My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
@LeBearGirdle: *speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask