@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate
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@JCautomatic: [Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist
@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".
@Tmoney68: Son: When did u know you were old? Me: When I started saying 'congratulations' to friends who said they were pregnant instead of 'oh shit.'
@shariv67: We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.