When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Pizza is an emotion right?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support