I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.